the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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