The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
