This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
