i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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