upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
