um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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