My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
