What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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