mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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