cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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