Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
