Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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