i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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