god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
