When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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