he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
