just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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