ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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