You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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