guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
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IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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