TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
