I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
