I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
