the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
