Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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