I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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