Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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