he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
