Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
