i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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