dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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