Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
