I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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