I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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