I think my vagina is haunted
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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