I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
