What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
