Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
