Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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