She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
