whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
