Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
