if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
