I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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