Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
