I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
