Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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