Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
