woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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