You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
