So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
