Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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