she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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