it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
