i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
