bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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