On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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